venturing anew

2008-08-23T15:00:00.002+08:00

PreciousSssSs..

2008-04-04T02:12:00.001+08:00

Private blog updated as of 4th March 2008

Ask me for password.

2008-03-30T21:38:00.001+08:00

got a private blog of my own..

http://lilfir86.wordpress.com/

2008-03-30T20:46:00.000+08:00

Honestly, I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that cares for her. If they can care for her more than I do, I'll be happy.

But that doesn't stop me from caring for her.

Don't stop believing in love. Don't lose faith in it. Love hurts, yes but if it doesn't, it's not call love. Asking for forever is asking for perfection. No one's perfect. The most we can do is to try our best.

I hope she finds her Mr Right. I hope she finds her true happiness. I hope to see her truely smile.

I'll always be here for her regardless of anything. I know I can only do so much now. Kindda hurts but I'll never give up being there for her.. yep..

Lil Fir..

2008-03-30T09:21:00.001+08:00

I'm just an sms away..

I'm just a phone call away..

Better still..

I'm across the road away from you..

I'll be there if you need me..

2008-03-30T00:34:00.002+08:00

I'm not going to say much. Probably all I want to say had been said. Probably it's best not to be said. Probably it's best to just keep it in my heart..

I'm tearing now as I'm typing this.. I don't know why.. Maybe I know why but let it not be said..

2008-03-29T18:55:00.002+08:00

It'll be a boring weekend for me.

I'm feeling rather lonely.. So to keep myself company, I've just been sending her sms. Lots of it. As much as I can. I just want to make her smile. I just want to make her happy.

Hehe..

Smile ok that particular one? (=

2008-03-28T00:39:00.001+08:00

Nic..

I hate seeing you down. I hate not being able to make you feel better. It hurts so much. Nonetheless. I'm always here for you..

Please cheer up k..?

2008-03-25T00:11:00.002+08:00

One advise I would like to dispense to all smokers out there. I know, might sound a bit stupid though. Don't ever light your cigarettes in the dark. When I lit mine, I unknowingly lit the filter part and it got burnt. There went my last stick of the day. Sheesh..

2008-03-23T23:00:00.002+08:00

Does love have to hurt this much? Really.. you can't imagine the pain I'm feeling. I'm ok with feeling this but sometimes it hurt so much.. i feel like giving up but i don't want to give up. i want to move on but i don't want to move on.

I'm really sad with the way things are now but I only have myself to blame. The changes are inevitable I guess..

Argh... just kill me lah somebody. I'll give anybody the license to murder me. Hoping a car would bang me or something.

I don't want to live! Being dead beats all this torments I'm feeling!

2008-03-23T12:20:00.000+08:00

if it's meant for me to know, i'll know.. For now, I'll just be guessing and wondering..
i don't deserve to know everything i guess. i'm afraid to even ask to know about something.

well, i'm just lil fir. i'm just like any ordinary soul walking on this surface of the earth.

i ain't special to anyone..

can't help feeling this emptiness. loneliness.

where are those people when i need them most. where are they when i'm in this vulnerable position?
i know i'm supposed to give and never expect anything in return. guess i should be content that i've done so much and said so much and it's ok if i don't receive anything.

but really.. sometime i wonder why am i doing and saying so much. why am i hurting myself so much?

i'm back to my tearing mode at night before i sleep. i'd often hear the sound of myself breathing so hard and heart beating so fast. I really dread sleeping.

Who doesn't wish to be loved? the greatest thing in life is to love and be loved. i can't even barely manage to do the first one.

i'm still an idiot when comes to love. i don't think i'll ever know how to love correctly even though I tried so hard to.

Sigh..

Time to go back and drown my sorrows. Cigarettes... here i come...

Happy Birthday Darling Di. (=

2008-03-23T00:00:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday to my darling, Diyanah. (=

2008-03-22T18:18:00.002+08:00

Lil Fir's a nobody. Not fit to know anything. My existence makes no difference. I wish I can disappear. This hurts so much..

2 packs of cigarette in a day! Woohoo.. Lil Fir's record! HaHaHa!! Going to go smoke somemore..

Bye..!

2008-03-21T19:39:00.003+08:00

I've lost my sense of direction. Actually..I've lost it since long. Maybe I'm just pretending I know my way. But in actual, no. I'm trying to smile it all off. Back to square one..

My life sucks. Since it's this bad.. Might as well make it even worst. Feel like doing crazy stuff.

I'm smoking to drown my sorrows away. If it helps, why not?
If I can smoke myself to death, better still..

Sigh..

2008-03-21T00:25:00.002+08:00

is it so true that nothing last forever?

it really makes me sad that a relationship can end or change just with a snap of a finger.

lil fir used to have real close friends, real good friends and i shared so many good times with them. but now, since they had their new kind of life, or new friends, they kind of forget that we used to be real good friends. it's like what we shared is accounted for nothing in the end..

i can't help feeling that i'm losing this one precious godsister of mine. i can still remember vividly how she gotten to be my mei mei and how it was back then during my BMT. but now, things change. maybe it was my fault..i guess i had'nt been a good kor kor.

i'm already sad and this is making me even more sad. i'm back to tearing every night.

make me smile. someone..please...

sick

2008-03-19T20:55:00.002+08:00

sick sia lil fir.

lol..

2008-03-16T22:22:00.002+08:00

Came back around 9pM. The Leap Year was nice. But surprise, surprise, I did not tear. I can somehow relate to the movie in some ways. Made me think.

I still not gotten a time where I could isolate myself in a remote place and just think deep yet. Waiting for it..

Back to work tomorrow.

Something are better left unsaid. Let it just grow inside of me.

Goodnight..

2008-03-16T16:46:00.002+08:00

I'm going to watch The Leap Years later on at Yishun GV. 2 movies in 2 days. Quite a feat for me. I'm hanging out alone again. As always lah. Anyways, I need to unwind myself before going back to camp again tomorrow. Dread it somehow. I have no clue as to when I'm going to Brunei. They haven't given me any dates. It might be sudden. Unpredictable.

Be back to tell you guys about the movie. I heard it's very touching. I'll try my very best to hold my tears when there's emotional scene. HaHa!

2008-03-16T16:45:00.000+08:00

I know. Totally irrevalent. Totally random.

I was playing with my turtle soft toy. I made it do handstand but it did a headstand instead. Why? Because it's hand is too short. Lol! =X

2008-03-15T17:59:00.002+08:00

back! went to Vivocity to watch Step Up 2. to summarise the movie. it was real good. real good dancing showcased. i like it when seemingly people who don't look like a dancer but when they dance, you'll be awed.

inspired. period. (=

2008-03-15T11:28:00.002+08:00

I'm going to watch Step Up 2 in a while on my own. I know. A little late to watch it. Never caught it on it's opening day. NS consuming my time. Get back at ya'll once I watched it. Toodles!

2008-03-15T03:51:00.002+08:00

Blogging at the wee hours. Can't get to sleep. Frankie J is my fave singer. Just stumbled upon this video on imeem while busy adding songs to my playlist. Already heard it in audio format but seeing him singing live is phenomenal. Hope you guys love this video! (=

2008-03-14T16:07:00.001+08:00

just for the people who visit my blog for the first time. the voice is not mine. i took it from imeem.

sweet message.

asking us to smile.

smile please that particular one.. (=

2008-03-14T01:10:00.002+08:00

Her heart is linked to mine..

So..if her's ache, so do mine..

She don't deserve to be sad..

Please cheer up..

2008-03-13T00:14:00.002+08:00

nothing else matters if she's happy. hope she is.

i'll be happy. at least i will try to be happy. that's a promise.

lil fir was around you then, lil fir is around you now and lil fir will be around you forever.

(=

2008-03-10T23:30:00.002+08:00

Posted to Supply Hub(East) located at Nee Soon Camp. A bit further from my previous camp, journey wise. 1st day there and I'm already doing a hell of a work. I suffered blisters on my hands. Sobs..

She don't seem to come to me anymore. I'm kind of sad about it. I'm kind of wishing she would come to me still. Sometime I wish I'd never confess to her through all those sms and sayings. But yes, falling in love with her is beyond my control. I can't do anything about it. I'm still holding on to my promise of being there for her. I'll be there whether she needs me or not.

I promise I won't confess to her anymore even though I know I love her very much. Please trust and believe me this time round that whatever I do, give or say, it'll only mean that I want a smile from her. Nothing more. I promise..

I can't bear to see you down. I'll give you a hug if you need to feel better. I'll give you my shoulder if you need it to cry on. I'll give you my ears if you need it to talk to. I'm here for you in anyway possible. Hugs..

missed memories..

2008-03-09T18:48:00.002+08:00

I never danced so much in a day in a long time. Went for the Jitterbugs' Open House today. Paid 10 bucks to go for classes from 10am to 6PM. Participated in 5 dance classes. 2 of Hip Hop, Dual Power, Lyrical Jazz and Street Jazz. It was fun. I was shagged at the end of it. Kind of rush home after that. Walking through the human congestion. My God. The city's so crowded.

Will be posting out to a different unit tomorrow. Don't really know where I'll be landed at. Brunei is ever so close. There's no actual date yet. I'll definately update.

I can't help missing those beautiful memories. It's really the best thing I could ever experience. I will not trade it for anything else in the world. Lil Fir just want a smile on your face. It's enough for Lil Fir to survive nowadays. Your smile = Lil Fir's life. I don't want to ask for anything more. I can't bear to ask for anything more. Lil Fir will always be here for you regardless if you need me or not. Hugs...

2008-03-09T00:03:00.000+08:00

this entry will just be filled with 3 words.

prayers. wishes. hopes.

goodnight. (=

2008-03-06T23:18:00.003+08:00

I was happy the whole day..

But when I'm typing this, tears are starting to roll out my eyes all over again.

It hurts so much to learn or to know that I no longer have the ability to make her happy or smile again. I can't see myself doing that anymore. I really don't know why..

Feels like I'm stabbing myself in the heart..

This is so painful..

I don't have the heart to blame.. I can't bear to...and I don't want to..

Nvm. I rather I'm the one hurt..

Tearing myself to sleep... Goodnight..

2008-03-05T11:22:00.000+08:00

There's nothing that could describe my feelings.

I'm happy. Really am. (=

2008-03-03T18:41:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling lethargic so easily nowadays. Must be the insufficient amount of sleep I guess. I hope I don't get insomnia.

My feelings have been rather rollercoaster. Mixture of emotions. I want to be happy and I'm really trying to be happy. But whenever I tried so hard, I end up hurting myself just as hard.

I can't help feeling disappointed with myself. I can't help wondering if my actions or sayings been upsetting her in anyways. That's really not what I wanted to do. That was and never my intention.

I'm hoping I could still make her happy. I'm hoping I could still make her smile. I'm willing to do anything, feel anything just for that smile on her face. It's just worth everything. I'll never stop doing so till she finds her true happiness.

What I'm writing might be repetitious but there's nothing much I could write about. My life, my thoughts, my feelings and basically everything revolves around her.

I might be asked if I regret falling for her. Though it seems like it, in actual, I don't. I absolutely don't regret loving her. I don't love and regret in the end. That's not love. It's a fact that I love her and I'm still loving her. I'm probably very idealistic when comes to love. Kind of philosophical at times too. I'm just trying to love her the most righteous way I could. When I love, I don't ask to be loved back. That's just not right. When I love, I just want to see her happy be it with whoever she choose to be with. When I love, I just want to be there for her regardless if she needs me or not.

Even so, I know I could never love her perfectly because I'm human afterall. Love should be simple. It shouldn't be complicated. I'm just trying my very best to love her.

Please. Don't have to feel bad. Don't have to feel guilty either. I don't blame you and I never will. I'll be whoever you want me to be to you just as long as you're happy. That's all that matters.

There's only so much Lil Fir can do. I'm heavily relying on my prayers and hopes hoping that divine plays a part..

That's it. Lil Fir ends here. Smile that particular one. (=

2008-03-02T23:38:00.001+08:00

steal glances.

i feel contented just by seeing her. it really does make me happy...

(=

2008-02-26T21:11:00.002+08:00

it's a bless to have people around caring for you. it's even more blessing to have people caring for you without you even realising it.

lil fir truly cares for a particular someone. i care for the people around me but i specially care for this one special girl. i have always been here for her regardless if she needs me or not. i want to be here for her always. i'll never leave..

2008-02-25T20:45:00.000+08:00

there's just things i'm afraid to ask for... i can only wish...

2008-02-22T23:41:00.002+08:00

People who are close to me might agree that I sometimes or most of the time is hard on myself. I guess I have to agree. I've asked myself a million times. My thought is filled with a 'why' and a BIG '?'. I shook my head hard and even hit it against a wall hoping to find an answer to it. There I go again being hard on myself.

what the answers as to..

why I love her so much?

I think and I think real hard only to realise that the answer is in the question itself. The only reason is that I love her. What other reasons can there be?

But..

I wish I could stop myself from feelings all this. I wish I could stop myself from loving her. I wish I could stop being unhappy.

Because it upset her. I did not want to make her sad. I can't bear to see her sad. It breaks my heart..

.
.
.

I miss her so much. I've started missing her the seconds I don't see her. I miss all those beautiful memories. It may not mean much but it really does to me. I'll make sure every seconds with her counts.

I'm into my last week of basic food handling course. That means, Brunei is coming soon. Though there's no actual date but I know it'll be soon. Been collecting pictures of her that I'll be bringing over there so that I won't miss her so much..

.
.

I been praying that there'll always be a smile on her face. I hope she'll find her true happiness. Till then, I'll always be here for her though not physically like I wish I can but mentally I'll always be in the form of my undying prayers..

(=

2008-02-20T23:33:00.000+08:00

When I'm lying on my bed, I would hug my bolster real tight. I'd pretend I'm hugging someone special. I wish I could hug this particular someone that tight. It's just a wish...

2008-02-18T23:02:00.000+08:00

Past few days been tiring. Basic food handling course is ongoing now. I need more sleep in order to survive one working day. I'm lacking of sleep and I'm broke..

I wish I could spend just one day far away from everything. Go to a very remote place and just sit there all alone by myself. Probably the wind as my only company. I want to think and I want to think deep. Think deep about my life, think deep about a particular someone, think deep about everything. Once I'm done thinking, I guess I will let my tears flow freely. The reason I'm far away from everything and going to a remote place is because I don't want anybody to see me tearing. I hope I'll tear till my eyes run dry and there'll be no more of it. I hope the day comes fast because I need space. I'm kind of out of breath now. I'm probably thinking but I'm not thinking enough, thus my wish.

As for now, I try to be as positive as I can. Ok, maybe not so positive though because I'm tied to something I can't let go..

When I think of those memories and how it all started, I smile and cry at the same time. I dearly missed those memories. Can I make a wish? It's only a wish. I wish those memories could be relived. I'd like to experience it again. Once again. It's only a wish. Nothing more.

Believe me. There's a smile on my face now. I'm smiling.

Hope a particular someone is smiling too..

Time to sleep. Goodnight.

2008-02-16T23:55:00.002+08:00

Just got back. It was a nice movie. I found out that one of the character suits me in a way. The movie was funny at some points and touching at some other points.

That's it for today.

P.S. I love you..

2008-02-16T18:00:00.006+08:00

Holly Kennedy (Hilary Swank) is beautiful, smart, and married to the love of her lifea passionate, funny and impetuous Irishman named Gerry (Gerard Butler). So when Gerrys life is taken by an illness, it takes the life out of Holly. The only one who can help her is the person who is no longer there. Nobody knows Holly better than Gerry. So its a good thing he planned ahead - by leaving her a list of tasks revealed in 10 monthly messages that are intended to ease her out of grief and transition her to a new life.

(Pictures and snypnosis taken from GV Website.)

I'm going to watch P.S. I Love You later at Causeway Point. I'm going alone, as always. Be back to tell you what I think of the movie. Hees.

2008-02-15T23:21:00.000+08:00

I believe in angels. The one that God send down from Heaven to Earth. I'm loving an angel.. (=

The angel is Nic. Hehes. (=

2008-02-15T19:25:00.000+08:00

I'm starting to miss Nic ... )=

2008-02-14T22:26:00.001+08:00

Happy Valentine's Day.

It's so nice to see Nic after some times. Miss her so much..

It's so very the nice to see her smile. Hehes.. Hugs. (=

2008-02-10T04:55:00.000+08:00

i don't know how to describe my feelings anymore.. all this just hurts so much.. all i could do is just cry..

all i wanted is for the truest of smiles and the happiest of you..

2008-02-07T21:48:00.000+08:00

I always dread when night comes. I dread lying on my bed because whenever I do so, I'll... Sigh...

Without fail. Every single night.

I have never felt such strong emotional attachment for any other girl in my life before.

I am really trying not to feel what I'm feeling but I can't. I really can't. I'm very very sorry..

I'm scared... I'm really really scared... My heart been hurt so many times. I wonder how long I can hold on. I wish I can be strong but I'm really just weak inside.

I'm scared to know certain truth if there's any.

Have mercy on my heart.. It's as fragile as a glass. When it breaks, it bleeds..

I don't want to feel that. I really don't.. )):

Crying Lil Fir

2008-02-07T12:15:00.000+08:00

can't help but tear...

why why why????

if only i can rip my chest apart

take my heart out

and

just die..!!

)):

2008-02-04T22:02:00.000+08:00

I know this is cliche but I just feel like stressing that I'm not perfect. Nobody is right? Through all my sayings and doings, I'm trying to the best of my knowledge and using logic to decide what is right and what is wrong. But of course, there'll be things that I might have said or done wrongly. Like I said, I'm imperfect. But I'm one who strives for perfection. I'm a perfectionist sometimes. I'll feel incomplete whenever I do something halfway. Got this sense of guilt.

Through this passage of my life, I learnt that it's not healthy to bottle up things inside of me. All this while, I've just been telling the truth like for example, how I feel for this special someone. But I admit I feel like hiding my feelings for fear of upsetting her. I've never meant to make her sad and I never never want to make her sad. I'm always praying for her happiness. She deserve to be happy and it's just nice to see that sweet smile on her sweet lips. He he..((:

I've nothing but admirations for you Nic. You're a thing of beauty. I don't care about your flaws. To me, you are just perfect in every sense of the word. I know beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder which is kind of true. I'm saying all this is because I love you. Why I love you, you might ask? I did not mean to. It's a work of nature. It's something I have no control over. God made me love you. I've never regret even a single bit...

Nic..

I just love loving you..

2008-02-02T15:57:00.000+08:00

I wish I could just smoke myself to death..

2008-01-30T18:09:00.000+08:00

It's been some time since I wrote a proper entry for my blog. Actually, I wanted to close down my blog for good because I've no desire to write anymore because most of my entries are sad. But, days of keeping things inside of me and without a place to pour it out, I'll feel even more sad. Sigh. I'm so sorry blog. Thanks for being so faithful to me..

Where to start? God. I don't know. All I know is that her name is constantly inside my head. She's definately inside my heart too. Before I sleep, I really could hear my heart beating so fast and furiously.

I seriously do not know what the future holds for me. I'm ever afraid of changes. I'm afraid of losing. I don't want to lose her in my life in any ways. I can't imagine what my life would be without her. Even if I can't get to see her physically, knowing that she remembers me is enough/

I'm still wishing...

I still wish I could play candles with you..
I wish I could go home with you again..
I wish I could take pictures with you..

It's ok if my wishes are not granted because to me, It will be like asking too much from you.

My ultimate wish have always been to see you TRULY happy. TRULY smile.

There's this distance between us. Even though we live so close, we're like far apart from one another. But it's ok. I feel it's good that we kind of distance ourselves from one another..

But it does not mean I'm not here for you. Believe me. I'm always here for you.

Do you mind me asking you a question?

Are you truly happy? Are you truly smiling?

If yes, I'll definately be happy for you.

If no, tell me what I can do for you so that you would be truly happy. I'll do anything. I'll really do anything.

I leave this entry with three words. It might just be a mere three words but I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart. Nic...

I LOVE YOU.....

2008-01-27T13:34:00.000+08:00

Lil Fir still loves Nic very much...... )):

2008-01-17T23:55:00.000+08:00

Trust me. There's a smile on my face now. Even if it's for a little while, at least I managed a smile.. ((:

I'm still doing my dance choreography for you..
I'm still doing a blog layout for you..
I'm also doing something for you..

Nothing beats seeing a smile on your face. Really hope you're happy now. ((:

2008-01-17T20:13:00.000+08:00

It's painful to see my days pass by just like that. At times, I wonder if my life carries any meaning. On the contrary, it does. Life still bears meaning to me as I have you in it. You need no more sayings simply because there's no words to describe you.

I seen this quote somewhere. To be loved is much greater fortune than to love. But I don't think anyone loves Lil Fir. ): Oh well. It's ok. I'm contented being the one loving and I shall not ask for anything in return. Maybe I'll just ask for one little thing. A smile on your face..((:

Ai ni..

2008-01-15T23:17:00.000+08:00

Been rather inconsistent in updating my blog. My apologies.

Feels like I have exhausted all the words I could possibly mustered in my writings. I probably had said what I wanted to say. My entries might had been repetitious as well.

But I’ll still squeeze the hell out of my brain to come out with some sayings. Besides, this is one other way I could communicate with you. My innermost feelings and thoughts could only be conveyed here and I know you would be reading this.

I know I could never hide my feelings from you. I truly love you. It’s truly what is meant to be said through all things I did for you. I hope you won’t blame me for having this feelings inside of me. I did not plan this. God did. I’m just following my heart. I love you very much and I will do anything to bring a true smile on your face. I’ll do whatever it takes to see you truly happy. If I could wish, I wish I could share your sufferings and woes. I wish I could take care of you for the rest of my life. Just know that you’re never alone at any point of time because Lil Fir might not always be able to be there for you but you know his minds and souls always are.
I have some unfinished task.
I promise you your blog layout.
I promise a dance choreography for you.
All that will be done soon. ((:
That’s about it.
I love you..
Goodnight..

2008-01-13T11:41:00.000+08:00

Makes me wonder. Is she happy? Is she smiling? Does my sayings, my thoughts, my doings makes her happy? I hope she is because that's what I essentially wants her to be..

Don't you wish your dreams come true? I had a nice dream last night. I'm wishing it would occur again..

Time to sleep now. Goodnight everyone.

2008-01-10T23:21:00.001+08:00

I'm trying my utmost best not to be sad. I'm trying my utmost best to be as happy as I could. But no matter how hard I try, at the end of the day, tears never fail to drip down my eyes..

I'm surprised at the no. of cigarettes I'd smoke. Sometimes, it helps to get my mind off things a little. It lessens my sadness a bit.

2008-01-10T22:06:00.000+08:00

teman istimewa
special friend
特別朋友
特別な友人
특별한 친구

i'm holding on..

to my vow..
to my swear..
to my promise..

2008-01-10T20:57:00.000+08:00

I believe you're down..

Even when I passed to you my digicam, there wasn't a smile on your face..

So I hope, that lil' gift cheer you up..

((:

2008-01-09T22:08:00.000+08:00

I'm overwhelmed with the amount of tears that I have dropped and still dropping.

I can't do anything about it..

Simply because..

I choose to love her..

Yep..

2008-01-08T21:28:00.000+08:00

My family problem is still not resolved. Yesterday night, while I was watching the chinese show, I overheard my dad's conversation with mum. I didn't quite catch what he said to her but I believe it's nothing pleasant. She left the house without answering my dad's question as to where she's going. I would have done the same if I was her. I'm a coward. I wish I have the courage to tell dad off. Why dad? Why you still want to break apart a family which is already broken? Sigh.

Cooking course will be starting soon. Which means the overseas attachment to Brunei is coming too. I feel like I'm restricted somehow. Miss freedom. Miss dancing like how I used to. I still got a year and a half to my NS' life. Let all this pass by quickly..

Is she doing ok? Is she still crying? Is her heart still bleeding? God. Please let her know that I'm suffering with her. Please don't her suffer alone. Please let her know that my heart is beating with hers. Yep. )):

2008-01-08T06:30:00.000+08:00

What I'm writing in my blog is the truth. I mean, why would I want to lie?

I'm really experiencing what I'm experiencing..

My heart is truly bleeding..
My eyes is truly tearing..

2008-01-07T19:05:00.000+08:00

I got this annoying neckache I couldn’t get rid off. Sigh.

You know, I can be quite a crazy person at one point of time and quiet at other times. When I’m quiet, I think deeply. And when I start to think deeply, I start to feel deeply too.

I feel like my heart’s the one bleeding. I feel like my eyes’ the one tearing. But come to think of it, I rather I’m the one suffering in her place. Let her be free from all that she’s feeling. God, please stop her from crying and stop her heart from bleeding.

I want so much to give her a hug because I believe she needs one. I want so much to be right there beside her when she’s crying. I want so much to do the things I could do to try and comfort her but it seemingly seems that something’s holding me back. I don’t know what it is..

I feel so helpless. Feels like I can’t do nothing much but pray and hope.

God, I hope you’re listening to me..

2008-01-06T20:18:00.000+08:00

I just happen to be in a position to know things.

I spent nearly an entire day filling my mind with thoughts.

I thought while I was showering..
I thought while I was watching television..
I thought while I was having my nap..
I thought while I was having my KFC’s meal..

I thought, I pondered and I wondered how or what should I be feeling and doing before I pen it here in my blog. It’s impossible for me not to feel or do anything about it.

I decided to just lay down the truth..

Truthfully, it hurts to learn and to know that a particular someone is feeling down and sad. I teared abit.

She’s someone whom I always there for..
She’s someone whom I cared so much for..
She’s someone whom I worked my heart out just to bring that smile on her face..

But yet, I can’t prevent her from feeling so down. I can’t stop her from crying. )):

That’s about how I’m feeling..

What should I be doing?

Seemingly, I can’t do nothing much but I have this to say her..

Please do not cry to yourself. I know how it feels like to cry alone. If you need someone to cry to, you can always cry on me.

I sleep with my handphone just in case you SMS or call me. My MSN is set to alarm me whenever you message me online. I’m here for you and I want so much to be there for you..

I miss you, I miss all those times, all those moments.

Ok all that aside. What matters most now is to see a smile from you again.

Dear God, please cure her heartaches. Please make her happy again. Please make her flash that beautiful smile of her again. Amen.

Finish with my thoughts and feelings. ((:

2008-01-06T10:06:00.000+08:00

I think my sister reads my blog so here goes...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAREST SISTER, MARIATI. ((:

LOVE, YOUR BROTHER, LIL FIR

2008-01-05T22:26:00.000+08:00

I wonder who's my frequent reader?

I wonder who bothers to read my blog even from the very first entry of my archives.

Hehe..

Just curious.. ((:

2008-01-03T22:23:00.000+08:00

Of all the nights, yesterday was the night I cried the most. My pillow is totally drenched with my tears. This hurts so much but at least I know something. At least I know my love for her is true. As true as it can be...

2008-01-03T01:05:00.000+08:00

Sometimes right? Somethings are so hard to know or to see..

But then it DOES NOT MATTER..

WHAT MATTERS is that SHE'S HAPPY .. RIGHT?

.
.
.
.

Sigh.. I really need someone whom I can cry my heart out... Anybody. I can't contain this anymore. My life is just getting worse. 2008 ain't going to be a great year for me.

Know something? I started smoking.. Yes.. This Lil Fir who promise never to smoke in his life actually started smoking. Yeah.. Geesh....

2008-01-02T18:47:00.000+08:00

I'm suddenly missing all those times. I don't care what it means to others but every of those moments with her in it is plain beautiful. If only I could turn back time and relive those moments again but it's only an if. Now, I can only afford to wish...

I'll try to be happy. I'll strive to be happy because that's what she wants me to be. I promise I'll try..

I guess I need to step back abit. Take a step backward and be behind the scene. I feel it's the best thing to do. I don't know. I'm sorry. I hope I'm not being selfish. I just want to alleviate my pain a bit..

I'm really sorry that I had to pour out my feelings and thoughts here. I didn't really want this to be let known but I know I couldn't contain it. Hurts me even more. I appreciate peope showering me with concerns asking me to cheer up but they don't know my true feelings. Nonetheless, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I believe she is happy. I hope that she is truly happy. If she is, my work is somewhat done but of course, I'm not stopping anywhere.

I'm always here...

I wish I could be her guardian angel...

2008-01-01T21:59:00.000+08:00

Really. I thought that the very first day of the new year, it would start and end off well. But no. My feelings just got the better off me. You know, I can't feel 2008 being a good year for me. I don't know. I just can't..

Anyways, hope you all will have a great 2008 nonetheless. Hope all your wishes come true. Happy New Year.

2008-01-01T18:12:00.001+08:00

When I hug my bolster. It feels like I'm hugging a special someone. It feels so nice and warm. I don't know. I'm longing to receive that kind of hug...

2008-01-01T11:21:00.000+08:00

So, I went to meet Bel at Jurong East MRT station close to 9PM before we head to town area to view the fireworks display. Actually, we had no idea which area of town to go. We decided to sit somewhere in front of Marina Square. I shan't typed much. Let the pictures do the talking yah?

Belinda inside the train.

Lil Fir(me) inside the train.

Us inside the train.

Expected.

The most expensive durian in the world, Esplanade!

Look at the crowd man!

While waiting. We camwhored!

That's where we were.

She complained that her face is always shadowed! Haha!

I was trying to capture the children playing with bubbles.

Belinda acting emo.

Lil Fir also act emo.

Belinda taking herself.

Me also. Uhuh! I caught somebody peeping at me!

Entertaining ourselves.

Us some moments before the fireworks is going to be displayed.

And below is the fireworks display I caught with my digicam. There's 5 parts and I chose to put the best one on my blog. Here you go. It was fun. All people going crazy. Thanks Bel for the accompany today!

2007-12-31T17:14:00.000+08:00

I'm going to view the fireworks at Marina Bay later to usher the New Year. I'm accompanied by an old friend, Belinda. She used to be my close friend but we drifted apart and today would be an opportunity for me to sort of like catch up with her.

I don't know..

The more I'm happy, the more sad I become. I need to be happy and I should be happy but whenever I tried so hard to, I end up.. yeah, you guess it. I'll just end up crying. Yes, I do know the reasons to it but it doesn't matter. Let it be kept safely inside my heart. Let it just be there and never come out. I shall just love her in silence. I somehow feel contented. I admit it hurts. Love hurts. It has to be, if it doesn't, it's not called love isn't it?

You know. Whenever I post my thoughts, my feelings, I'll feel bad. I'll feel guilty. Why? I know you're reading this and I don't want you to be unhappy about it. I don't want you to feel bad at all. Just know I've never blame you. Never would and never will. You have my blessings, my supports in all decisions you make. I'm just hoping and praying that you'll be truly happy and yeah, keep flashing that beautiful smile of yours. (: I'm always here for you. Lil Fir will never vanish. I'm still holding on to my swear, my vow and my promise. Just CALL, just SMS whenever you need me. You can always count on me. (: Hugs.

2007-12-30T20:15:00.000+08:00

This would be the most sorry-est entry ever...

I'm very sorry
I keep thinking of you every single second of the day..

I'm very sorry
I keep trying to make you curl that beautiful smile on your face..

I'm very sorry
I keep trying to make you happy..

I'm very sorry
I keep trying to spring surprises on you whenever I can..

I'm very sorry
I'm there for you whenever you need me..

I'm very sorry
I cared so much for you..

I'm very sorry
I treasure you very much..

I'm very sorry
I love you very much....

2007-12-29T23:21:00.000+08:00

I don't know. I just decided to play with candles out of a sudden. Kind of burnt my fingers. Ooops. Anyways, this is what I made...

Picture speaks a thousand words..

2007-12-28T22:17:00.000+08:00

I'm internet-connectionless at home so I have to resort to using Wireless@SG at a Macdonald. I went to the one at Limbang.

Hmm. My plans for tomorrow. I'm going to check out the new dance school, Danzpeople. It's located somewhere near Somerset. It's Cuppage Plaza. I'm going to take on the free trial dance classes. ((:

Only you truly understands me. I like how you make me feel better whenever I'm sad. Thank you. ((:

I may be far away from you but that does not mean I'm not here for you. Just know that I am and always will. I'm always a call and an SMS away. I know I said this like a billion times but I truly mean it.

I hope new year would usher pleasantly for me. Prays..

2007-12-28T19:26:00.000+08:00

Something scary happened to me. I woke up in the middle of the night and I found myself choking on my breath. I was gasping for air. Fortunately, it was only momentarily as my breathing resume normally. This happening brought tears to my eyes. What if I've never woken up? But then sometime I feel it would be better if my life is taken away. My life is so painful to bear.

For God knows how many nights, I don't know the meaning of a goodnight sleep. My mind is constantly kept busy with thoughts of her. It just keep circulating like blood through my veins. If it stopped, I'm just as good as dead.

I'm tired of putting on a fake smile. It's painful. It's not something I intended but I seriously don't know what to feel. If I'm happy, I'm actually not. If I'm sad, I'm not supposed to be. I can't differentiate between right and wrong. I forget what it feels like to be truly happy. Everyone wants to be truly happy. I'm striving to be happy.

I can't help feeling lost again. I wonder if there's anyone who's really with me. I'm feeling so lonely.. )):

2007-12-27T02:03:00.000+08:00

I know. I'm writing this at an unearthly hours. It's 2am now. Just felt like writing yah?

I do wonder too why am I doing so much. Why am I willing to go through such pain, such torturement, such torment or anything unbearable for that matter. Truthfully it hurts. It really hurts. All this is just killing me softly. I'm slowly dying inside. If you could just place your ears to my chest, you could hear my heart breaking into a million pieces. Maybe even a million pieces is not enough. Cries.........

It's ok. I'm more than willing to feel all this. I will feel anything just as long as you stays happy. I really did enjoyed making you happy. I feel like it's my career. Sometimes, I do feel sad and disappointed with myself. Why? I guess I can never make you TRULY smile and be TRULE happy. But Lil Fir will never give up even if it takes me a lifetime to do so.

I love you very much. Too much. I have no regrets whatsoever loving you. Not at all. It's a blessing, At least I dared to love. I've always been scared of falling in love but you somehow gave me the courage to do so. Though I know it might never be return but that's not the point. Loving you is seeing you happy. I'm very sorry if I can't treat you like my good friend. You're not my good friend. You're a very special friend. I even labelled you as that on my MSN. I'm really grateful because you're not like any other girl I ever fell for. In fact, you can't even be compared to them. You're very unique. You're very special. You're truly beautiful in every sense of the word.

I'm kind of disappointed. The one that understands me the most is not anyone else but her. I'm very thankful for that...

Think I posted out my entire thoughts and honest sayings. Just want to say out what I really feel. I can't hide it inside of me.

To my special friend, I'm not blaming you in anyways. Never is and never will. Can't bear too. Anyways, like always, I'm here for you and that will never change. Just call my hotline at 1800-Lil Fir or SMS me if you need me. I'm at your service just like 7-11, 24 hours. Hugs.

Time to go to bed. I can sense tears coming out from my eyes soon. Goodnight..

2007-12-25T14:51:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas to everyone. May all your wishes come true. God bless all of you. ((:

Make my christmas special..

2007-12-25T11:22:00.001+08:00

My Christmas was made special just because I see you smile. Thank you. And thank you Lord for granting me my wish. ((:

2007-12-24T06:11:00.000+08:00

I lost track of the number of nights tears sipped down my eyes before I go to sleep.

It's heart-wrenching. My heart feels so tormented. It felt so tortured. I never want to feel this. Nobody would want to feel what I feel. It's painful. I remembered somebody telling me that you could be happy for the day but at the end of it, it will all come back to you. It's exactly what's happening to me.

I'm mindful of whatever I say or do. I don't want my sayings or actions to be upsetting her in anyways. My objections have always been to make or see her smile. I'm trying to love her perfectly but I'm only human. I'm a perfectionist but I know I can never be perfect. So sorry, if any of my sayings or doings upset you.

I'm very thankful to God to have you in my life. You're very special to me..

I'm wishin' for special christmas..

2007-12-23T00:32:00.000+08:00

We had Juice Party at Zee's house. Not going to elaborate so much until I have all the photos uploaded into my laptop.

I truly enjoyed the moments I had just a while ago. The pictures taking and all. Yes, we're good friends but just now, I had never been so close to you. I truly cherish this very much and it'll be something that i'll keep forever...

You know. I really don't want to cry. I'm really trying to stop my eyes from welling tears. But I can't help it. As I just typed this, tears just dripped down my cheeks. I don't know why..

But seriously, I'm willing to undergo all this. I'm willing to endure the pains just as long as you stay happy and that there's always a smile on your face. When I see you smile, I swear I did smile too.

I'm always here for you. I'll never leave your side. I'm at your service 24/7. Just call or SMS me. I'll be there for you right away. Yep. Hugs...

2007-12-21T22:57:00.000+08:00

I've been tagged by Nic. ((:

Instructions:
1.Do the following WITHOUT complain
2. Choose 5 ppl to do this aft u completed urs
3. Leave a tag on the person's tagboard to sae he/she have been tagged.
4. Start ur post with - i have been tagged!

Favourites:
colour - black, white, grey, silver and blue.
food - junk food. chicken rice.
movie - Lord Of The Rings. All 3 of them.
sport - Soccer and badminton.
Day - Weekends.
season - Rainy. Don't ask me why.
ice cream - Anything chocolate.
Current mood - Lonely..
clothes - Baggy shirts. Jeans.
desktop - A wallpaper of me and someone..

First:
best friend - Husaini.
crush - Don't remember.
movie - Blast From The Past.
music - Can't remember.
Last:
drink - Ice Milo.
car ride -The ride from M.I.N.D.S back to Sembawang Camp after doing area cleaning there.
phone call - Some ns mate.
CD played - The radio show cd i made for someone..

Have you ever:
dated one of your best friend - i've never dated in my life before.
broken law - subconciously yes i guess.
been arrested - no.
been on TV - supposed so.
kissed someone u dont know - nope.

5 random things you are good at: stoning, looking at time with interesting combinations, procastinating, dancing? sleeping?

4 things you have done today: listening to songs, see chinese show on tv, online and slacking.

3 things you can hear right now: can't help but wait song being played, my parents just coming back from work and me typing this? lol.

5 people to tag: I've no idea.. I tag anyone reading this. Hees. ((:

2007-12-21T22:25:00.000+08:00

Devotion - You're Not Alone

Verse 1:
In a dream I hold you close
Embracing you with my hands
You gazed at me with eyes full of love
And you made me understand
That I was meant to share with you
My heart my mind my soul
Then I open my eyes and all I see
Reality shows I'm alone
But I know someday that you'll be my side
'cause I know GOD is just waiting 'til the time is right

Chorus:
GOD will you keep her safe from the thunder storm
When the day is cold, will you keep her warm
When darkness falls, will you please shine her the way
GOD will you let her know that I love her so
When there's no one there, that she's not alone
Just close her eyes and let her know that my heart is beating with hers

Verse 2:
So I pray...until that day (until that day)
When our hearts beat as one (when our hearts beat as one)
I will wait so patiently (patiently) for that day to come
I kno some day that you'll be by my side
'cause I know GOD just waiting 'til the time is right

Chorus:
GOD will you keep her safe from the thunder storm
When the day is cold, will you keep her warm
When darkness falls, will you please shine her the way
GOD will you let her know that I love her so
When there's no one there, that she's not alone
Just close her eyes and let her know that my heart is beating with hers

It's beating with hers...my heart is beating with hers...it's beating with hers

Chorus:
GOD will you keep her safe from the thunder storm
When the day is cold, will you keep her warm
When darkness falls, will you please shine her the way
GOD will you let her know that I love her so
When there's no one there, that she's not alone
Just close her eyes and let her know that my heart is beating with hers

Oh...oh....it's beating with hers

(whispers: it's beating with hers)

Trey Songz - Can't Help But Wait

[Intro:]
I can't help but wait...
Oh I, can't help but wait...
Check it out

[Verse 1:]
I see you, you wit him- he ain't right but you don't trip
You stand by, while he lies- then turn right round and forget
I can't take to see your face, with those tears run down your cheeks
But what can I do- I gotta stay true
Cause deep down I'm still a G

[Bridge:]
And I don't wanna come between you and your man
Even though I know I treat you better than he can

[Hook:]
Girl I can't help but wait
Til' you get that with him, it don't change
Can't help but wait
Til' you see that wit me it ain't the same
Can't help but wait
Til' you, see you, for what you really are
Baby girl you are a star
And I can't help but wait

[Verse 2:]
Listen, it ain't fresh to just let him call the shots
You're a queen, you should be, getting all that someone's got
You should be rockin the latest in purses, bracelets, and watches, your worth
Much more than a occasional I love you
I'm thinking of you

[Bridge]

[Hook]

[Brakedown:]
Get it together- you can do better
Seein's believing
And I see what you need so
I'm gone play my position
Let you catch what you've been missin
I'm callin out, girl cause I can't help but wait

[Hook 2x]

[Outro:]
Oh-can't help but wait, babe
No-no-no-no-no-no
I can't help but wait
Oh-oh-oh-can't help but wait
No, no, no

2007-12-21T22:07:00.000+08:00

There's simply all kind of people in this world. Like species of animals in their kingdom. It feels like I've met all of them in my camp alone. Seriously, they are not people who you want to mingle around with outside of camp. They are backstabbers, liars, badmouths and vulgar. They would do or say anything to hurt your pride or dignity. I fear that I might just be implicated in their wrongdoings. But don't worry. I'm not one who succumb to peer pressure. This kind of people generally don't succeed in life. I'm painstakingly and patiently sustaining it all. Sigh.

I'm having neckaches. Nothing new. Though it's not severe but experiencing it no matter what stance or position I'm in is annoying. )):

I'm wishing for a special christmas. Who doesn't right? I want it simple. I believe in simplicity and simplicity is beautiful. My wish is simply to see a smile on her face. If she smiles, my christmas will be special.. ((:

2007-12-20T23:54:00.000+08:00

Nothing new to talk about with regards to my NS life. Seriously, it can bore me to death.

Honestly, my life could have been meaningless. I could have just walk aimlessly and fall into some pits. But no. My life does have a meaning to it because someone's in it.

I'm constantly thinking of things to do or say to make you smile or be happy. If there's anything I could do, let me know k? I can't bear to see you down at all because it hurts me to the core. I'm always here for you. *hugs* ((:

2007-12-16T13:57:00.000+08:00

I just watched the movie 'A Walk To Remember'. Actually, I'd been viewing it a couple of time this few days on my computer. I know. It's an old movie way back from 2002. After watching the video, I'm kind of inspired to write about love in this blog entry of mine. I depicted it from somewhere. The source comes from, http://www.wikihow.com/Love . Credit to them.

Here goes..

How To Love?

STEPS

Say it. When you utter the words "I Love You", do they carry with them the desire to show someone you love them or do they carry with them what you want to feel.

Empathize. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. Rather than impose your own expectations or attempt to control them, try to understand how they feel, where they come from, and who they are.

Love unconditionally. If you cannot love another person without attaching provisos, then it is not love at all, but deep-seated opportunism. Your interest is not in the other person as such, but rather in how that person can enhance your experience of life. If you have no intention of ameliorating that person’s life, of allowing that person to be themselves and accepting them as they are, and not who you want them to be, then you are not striving to love them unconditionally.

Expect nothing in return. That doesn't mean you should allow someone to mistreat or undervalue you. It means that giving love does not guarantee receiving love. Try loving just for loving's sake.

Realize it can be lost. If you realize that you can lose the one you love, then you have a greater appreciation of what you have. Think how lucky you are to have someone to love.

TIPS

It does not make you a bad person to desire someone else's love, even if they do not love you. However, to truly love someone, you must let them be free. It is selfish to blame them for their feelings.

There are many types of love, for example: a mother-son love is different from a best friend's love, which is different from a romantic love. Don't be ashamed to tell anyone that you love your friends as much as you love anyone else in your life.

You have to find someone that will suit you. Someone you feel comfortable with. Not just someone to "do it" with.

Love is such a universal word, the description of compassion, emotional attachment. Acceptance is such a large word in life, you need to learn to accept you love, accept them for who they are, and accept rejection at times. You also need to learn to accept yourself before you can accept anouther. If you cant find yourself, how are you to find love?

There you go..

Anyways, this might alter a bit on how you guys perceive 'love'. Everyone seem to have their own opinions on love. Some are wrong but who can blame them? As far I know. I hope I'm loving the correct way. Of course, I'm not perfect. Still learning to understand the nature of it all.

Peace!

2007-12-15T00:28:00.000+08:00

I'm wondering. Have anybody felt or feeling what I'm feeling. This question is for anyone reading my blog. Have you ever love a person so much but there's just something holding you back from expressing how you really feel for him or her? I feel like I have alot to say, to do to express how much I truly love someone. I'd like to believe that no one love her as much as I do. I've never love anyone so much in my life before..

But I'm containing all this inside of me. Trying as hard as I can not to let it be shown or said. I really don't want her to be unhappy. To love is to see her happy. Nothing else matters. I'm hoping and praying hard that there'll always be a smile on her beautiful face. I really want her to smile truly from the heart. To be truly happy from the heart too. I'm always here for her. I swear, I vow and I promise that I'll always will be..

2007-12-13T20:41:00.000+08:00

I can't wait to get out of Sembawang Camp like some of my NS' mates. I can't stand working with the current crop of people. I don't mind the loads but it's just ain't easy trying to coorperate with immature bunch. I hope I get better sets of friends when I'm posted out.

There's alumni night tomorrow. Can't wait to see my beloved juniors perform though I already have a rough idea what they will be doing. I sure hope to be surprised and I will be.

Yipee! Just gotten myself a brand new laptop! ((:

I'm sure someone is smiling. If you're not, hope you are. I'm always here for you. Hugs.

2007-12-12T19:04:00.000+08:00

Some of my NS' mates had been posted out to Nee Soon Camp. It was rather sudden. Halfway through our 'working' hours came the news that they will be transfered to another unit on the day itself and with immediate effect. Anyways, we been working together for almost 3 months. Yes, they aren't really decent people and I'm the most innocent of the lots but I had no choice but to learn to work with them. Mixing with them doesn't mean I'll be like them. Lil Fir will always remain Lil Fir. Honestly, I'll miss them though I'd remember them mostly for the wrong reasons.

Come to think of this, Brunei oversea's attachment is edging. I can't foresee how it will be like parting with my family, my friends and someone. I wonder if I'm able to bear with it. Not being able to see this particular someone for a period of time will be something hard to do. That's not all. What worries me most is that I won't be able to be there for her if she needs someone. I won't be able to tell if she's down. I won't have much opportunities to make her smile. Guess the only thing I can do is hope and pray.

I'll miss her alot. In fact.. I'm missing her now. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's true for me.. Hai. I hope she's coping well studying for her common test. Jia you ah! Always here for you. Hugs.

2007-12-09T03:00:00.000+08:00

I woke up in the middle of the night. In my sitting position on my bed, I stared longingly at the walls of my bedroom. I stoned and I stoned for quite awhile..

Suddenly.. Tears creeped out of my eyes..

I never know I love her so much..

Feels like my mind couldn't think of anything else but her.
Feels like my life generally revolves around her.

If I could do one thing, I wish I could hide my feelings very well and not let her know about it. Reason? I don't want her to be unhappy. But I guess I couldn't do it.

Right now, I want to keep her in my prayers and hopes. Praying and hoping that she'll be truly happy and always have that sweet smile on her beautiful face..

I'll still do the thing I do to try and make her smile. If she's smiling, then I hope she'll smile even more. Yep.. ((:

2007-12-07T06:38:00.000+08:00

Whoever doesn't want their wish or dreams to come true? But then, a wish will only remain a wish and a dream will only remain a dream.

I have another wish and dream that I want very much to be fulfilled. I wish and dream for a true smile from someone. I hope she could be truly happy. Yep..

2007-12-02T15:50:00.000+08:00

I enjoy making her smile.. I enjoy making her happy..

It's my full time job.. ((:

2007-12-02T00:37:00.000+08:00

It's past midnight already. Man. What a boring Saturday. I'm at home the whole day.

What I did? I decided to create a Mini Radio Projekt for someone..

But..

damm!

Can't upload it to my gmail. So I have to personally post it to her letter box later in the morning. Hees..

2007-11-30T18:01:00.000+08:00

no promises that i'll smile more..

but i promise i'll try hard to smile. i'll strive for my own happiness.

but i want to strive for her happiness too. i constantly want to see a smile on her face. true happiness and a true genuine smile. like this ... (((:

why am i doing all that? i truly love her. i already fallen head over heel for her. and i know that this can just gets deeper and deeper. a part of me hopes that she don't read this because i don't want her to be unhappy but a part of me hopes she reads this because i can't say it out well verbally what i want to say to her. sometimes, all i just wanted to say is 'i love you' but i know i can never say those words.

i wonder who really understand how i feel but it's ok i guess.. because i don't understand how i feel too. only God knows what i'm really feeling..

anyways, just want a smile and for you to be truly happy. that's all that matters to me. nothing else is important..

2007-11-30T00:43:00.000+08:00

I believe this had been written before so I'll just do a reiteration.

Feel like I can't do anything much. I shall just pray and hope that there'll always be a smile on her face and that she'll be truly happy. And of course, being there for her. That's all I ever want to cared about. Everything else including whatever I'm feeling is not important..

Yep..

2007-11-28T23:09:00.000+08:00

Guess what I have been sleeping on every night?

Tears stained bed with tear stained pillows and tear stained blankets...

Lil Fir can't help it.. He really can't..

2007-11-28T01:00:00.000+08:00

As I'm typing this, tears dripped down my eyes and wetted my keyboard.

Why am I sad? I'm not. I'm not supposed to but why am I tearing?

I'm not supposed to be caring about all this because it's about me.

I just wanna care about making her smile and making her happy and it's nice when I see those on her. I'm happy. Really am..

But then yeah.. why am I sad. I'm not supposed to but why am I tearing?

Vicious cycle.. I don't know..

2007-11-25T20:08:00.000+08:00

To & for that particular someone.. ((:

2007-11-25T17:54:00.000+08:00

On Friday, me & some other NSF personnels went to M.I.N.D.S at Queenstown. We're deployed there to do some movement of stuffs and some area cleaning. We had a coach to travel us all there. It went pass my old house and my ex secondary school. Memories start flashing back in my mind. I miss the old days of me being in that school and me living there. I spent almost 15 years of my life there. Almost teared but I never. Lol.

Know what? Whenever I go back home nowadays especially at night, subconciously I'd look to my left and imagine there's someone walking beside me. No.. I'm not hallucinating. I really miss walking home with her. Actually more than that. I miss her as a whole. )):

2007-11-21T23:01:00.000+08:00

Picture tells a thousand words..

2007-11-21T20:37:00.000+08:00

This are questions that I know of the answers but I rather it be unanswered. I rather it be unexplained. I rather it be unsaid. Untold. Let it be a mystery..

Why do I tear everynight before I sleep?
Why does her name keep racing inside my head?
Why does my eyes keep looking around for her?
Why does my heart beat so fast when I think of her?

Distance does not matter between us. I'll always keep you in my heart and mind. Why heart? Because you're very special to Lil Fir. Yep..

2007-11-21T00:25:00.000+08:00

I'm a bit saddened at how days been passing for me nowadays. It feels like life bears no meaning anymore. But I guess I still have to live with it. I still have to thread my path in life. Only that, I hope I'm not walking this journey alone because I feel solitary. I feel so empty. I don't know. Maybe my heart void of something which I can never explain or say it out. I'm lost..

Is there anyone with me? )):

I'm scared to ask if I could go home with her..
I'm scared to ask her out..
I don't know.. Maybe I fear being turned down..

Haix. I can only afford to be here for her. Other than that, I'm just praying and hope she's happy...